


Baby You Can Count On Me (To Fuck Up Everything)

by lullabelle_moon



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Drinking, Fights, M/M, hurt and angst, long fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-26
Updated: 2017-03-26
Packaged: 2018-10-11 03:39:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10454157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lullabelle_moon/pseuds/lullabelle_moon
Summary: Robert and Aaron have a fight, it's amazing the damage a few words can do.Aka "The Dissapointment Fic"





	

Chas grabbed Liv as soon as she walked in,  
"What?"  
Chas glanced around toward the back,  
"Maybe give it a wide berth for a while yeah?"  
Liv frowned then sighed,  
"They're fighting again."  
Chas nodded, grabbing Liv's shoulders and steering her around again,  
"It's a big one. Just go...hang out with Gabby for a bit."  
Liv huffed, stalking off in the opposite direction and back out of the pub as Chas glanced toward the back room again and then returned to work.

They couldn't even remember how the fight started; Robert knew why he was worked up but how the fight actually began was a mystery. If he had just walked in a few seconds later than he did then he wouldn't have heard the conversation between Diane and Victoria, his brain wouldn't have gone into overdrive, he wouldn't have gotten drunk and he and Aaron wouldn't be screaming at one another. It had started in the bedroom. Robert had stumbled over trying to change his top when Aaron came in, this led to an argument about being drunk in the middle of the day and missing a meeting they had set up. From then the following hour was a blur of trading insults, Robert pushing Aaron out of the way and Aaron following him downstairs yelling at him. Robert was too drunk, his filter was gone and he was pulling out every weapon he had; pushing Aaron to become even angrier as his own temper boiled over. He opened another bottle of beer, taking a gulp and slamming it down on the table. Aaron scoffed in disgust,  
"I don't know why I bother with you sometimes."  
Robert looked at him,  
"Me? Because it's all my fault? Of course it is. It's always my fault. I'm always the one in the wrong aren't I?"  
Aaron let out a groan of frustration,  
"You were the one that started all this. All because of some stupid comment?"  
Robert scoffed,  
"Stupid comment? Oh okay so my entire family talking about how my dad's memorial won't mean anything because the only child that wasn't actually his isn't going to be there is some stupid comment? Thanks a lot."  
Aaron pushed Robert back as he tried to leave,  
"When are you gonna grow up Robert? You won. You got the family, you're the only Sugden boy left. You did it. Be happy."  
Robert clenched his jaw,  
"You don't get it."  
Aaron looked at him,  
"I don't get what? That you have Daddy issues? Or that no matter what happens, you're always going to have a stupid feud with Andy?"  
Robert held his hands up,  
"Oh excuse me, I forgot you're the only one that's allowed to have any problems with your dad. God forbid anyone else have a history."  
Robert spat the words at Aaron who clenched his fists; anger burning in his eyes,  
"What did you say?"  
Robert pushed the chair away,  
"You heard me."  
Aaron scoffed and turned around,  
"I'm done here."  
Robert was riled up, anger clouding any judgement he might have had; he wasn't going to back down, wasn't going to watch Aaron walk away,  
"Just like you isn't it? Walk away from a fight because you don't wanna deal with it."  
Aaron turned around,  
"I'm walking away because you're being a muppet. You're drunk and because I'm not in the mood to talk to a child."  
Robert let out a spiteful laugh,  
"A child? That's rich coming from you. You're the biggest child I've ever met. Something doesn't go your way and you just throw your toys out the pram. Go on then Aaron, have a sulk. It's what you're good at."  
Aaron clenched his jaw, hands on his hips,  
"You done? Because this is getting boring."  
Robert scoffed, picking his beer back up and taking another gulp,  
"I'm the boring one?"  
Aaron felt the heat rise into his head, prickling at his skin as the rage took over,  
"Yeah. You are. You're boring me, mate. What is it huh? Daddy didn't love you enough so you have to drag everyone else down? He's dead Robert, get over it."  
Robert glared at him,   
"Shut your mouth. You don't know anything about it."  
Aaron pulled back,  
"I know enough to know this whiny, pity me act is ridiculous. You're ridiculous."  
Robert felt the anger rise inside him,  
"You'd know all about the pity me act wouldn't you? It's all you do!"  
Aaron pushed him back,  
"At least I accept I have issues and don't blame every little thing on my dad! Christ look at you, no wonder he preferred Andy!"  
Aaron roared the words at him before turning to leave again, Robert's frustration won in that moment, he smacked the bottle off the counter; smashing it to the ground,  
"HEY."  
Aaron spun around at the sound as Robert pointed a finger at him, his face red and eyes clouded with anger,  
"Don't you DARE bring him in to this. You don't know shit about it."  
Aaron looked from the mess to Robert; stepping forward with spite in his eyes,  
"No? I know one thing. Your dad was wrong about a lot of things but he was right about one. You're a screw up. A pathetic little boy who doesn't know when to just grow up."  
He pushed Robert back again, the words forcing their way from his mouth before he had a chance to register them properly,  
"He was right all along. You were a failure to him and you're a failure to me. You did nothing but disappoint him. You were a disappointment then and you're always gonna be!"  
The words hit Robert like a punch. His face fell; all traces of anger gone and replaced with shock. Aaron stared wide eyed at him; unable to quite believe the words that had just come out of his own mouth. Robert looked down; bile rising in his throat as the words rang in his ears,  
"Robert I-I-I didn't mean that. I didn't-Robert!"  
He tried to grab him as Robert pushed past; practically running through the door and slamming it behind him.

"Robert? Answer the phone. Just...please just lemme explain okay? I'm sorry. I didn't meant it, I love you. Call me."  
Aaron hung up the phone and fell back into the sofa; chewing the side of his thumb as he tried to keep from tearing up.   
"Aaron?"  
He sniffed and looked up at Chas,  
"He won't answer the phone."  
Chas sat opposite him,  
"What happened?"  
Aaron sat up, resting his elbows on his knees and pushed his hands through his hair,  
"He just...pissed me off so much, I didn't mean to snap at him. He was angry. At Diane and Vic and...he was drunk. I just...oh god I should've kept my mouth shut. Just told him to go sleep it off."  
Chas rubbed his arm,  
"Aaron?"  
He met her eye,  
"I told him..."  
He thought of him, how he'd feel if Chas knew. He shook his head,  
"I said something horrible. That's all."  
He pushed himself from the sofa,  
"I have to go find him."  
Chas jumped to her feet and grabbed him,  
"Aaron...come on. Let him cool down. You two have fought before."  
Aaron shook his head,  
"Not like this. No this is uh...I need to find him."  
Chas grabbed him,  
"Look at me. Let him calm down. You go marching over to wherever he is it's just gonna make it worse."   
Aaron chewed his lip for a minute before nodding,  
"Yeah...yeah you're probably right."  
He rubbed his face,  
"God why am I such an idiot? Why did I have to say that?"  
Chas grabbed him again,  
"What did you say?"  
Aaron looked at her,  
"He looked so hurt. I really stuck the knife in...I'm not drunk I knew it would hurt him. How is he ever going to forgive me? I wouldn't forgive that."  
He sat heavily on the chair again and grabbed his phone, trying Robert's number again.

He didn't even know what time it was; it was dark. It wasn't dark when he was in the shop, yelling at David to keep his nose out of his business and just sell him the whiskey. He'd walked around after that; feeling hollow. Aaron's voice replaying over and over in his mind, driving him mad. Eventually he'd found himself in the graveyard. Stood before his Dad's grave with the bottle dangling between his fingers and anger in his veins. He stared down at the stone and then looked away, taking a gulp of whiskey before turning back to it,  
"I was happy. Did you know that? I was finally...finally happy."  
He scoffed,  
"Must be why it all screwed up right? You coming down from wherever you are to mess me up?"  
He swallowed hard, frustrated tears pressing against the back of his eyes,  
"Why does it always have to be like this Dad? Why do you always have to be in here?"  
He jabbed his finger against his temple and sniffed,  
"I did everything to try and be the son you wanted. And it was never enough, was it? I-I married someone I didn't even like. And you know why? Because of you. Because you...twisted my mind so much."  
He took a gulp from the bottle; wiping his mouth and scoffing,  
"You know what I wondered? When-when did you stop loving me eh? What was it? Was-was it slow? Did it creep up? Like.."  
He sniffed, wiping his nose on the back of his hand and swallowing hard,  
"Did it start when Andy moved in and you saw what son you could have had? Or was it sudden? Like when you walked in to my room and found that lad with his hand down my jeans? Huh?"  
He wiped his eyes angrily and took another drink,  
"You hated me for that. For something that I can't even control. You...you made me ashamed of it. It took me fifteen years to be able to-to love someone as much as I love him. Him. Dad. Him. The man that I've fought for...and because of YOU. I'VE LOST HIM."  
He stumbled back slightly as he pressed the ball of his hand into his forehead,  
"All I wanted was to do right by him...to make him proud. And he ended up like you did..."  
He lifted his head toward the sky, tears now steadily running down his cheeks,  
"Why couldn't you love me? Why wasn't I good enough? I'm your son. I'm your boy. It wasn't my fault I wanted men...it's not my fault."  
He wiped his nose again and took a drink of whiskey, hissing at the burn down his throat before turning to the rest of the yard,  
"Whatever..."  
He sniffed again, stumbling back and taking another gulp,  
"Doesn't matter does it?"  
He shrugged,  
"I was a disappointment to you and now I guess...guess I'm one to him too. I'm just a disappointment...not the one you want...I'm never the one that you want."  
He lifted the bottle to his lips, taking another gulp as he read the words etched in to the stone,  
"A good man at rest."  
He scoffed,  
"That's a joke."  
He sniffed, lifting the bottle to the air,  
"Cheers to you Dad. Thanks for everything."  
He stepped back, taking a swig from the bottle as he turned, looking around at the graves before sniffing and heading up the hill. 

Robert ignored the buzzing in his pockets and took another gulp from the bottle. He coughed as the burning liquid went down his throat and then sniffed. He stared, bleary eyed at the stone before him, his eyes following the shape of the letters over and over again, S-a-r-a-h space S-u-g-d-e-n over and over until they made no sense. They were no longer words, no longer a name, they were just shapes. He ignored the tear that dropped down his cheek and took another gulp of whiskey, before hugging his knees to his chest and shivering. He blinked again, sending another tear down his cheek and sniffed. The ache inside him wrenching him open, solid ball of anguish wrapped in numbness. He cleared his throat quietly and sniffed again,  
"Wish you were here."  
He looked down; flexing his hand and staring at the ring around his finger,  
"Pathetic isn't it? He and I have a fight and the only place I can go is to my mums grave. Don't even have a...mate I can go crash with."  
He let out a shuddering breath,  
"I thought I was doing okay. I thought I had it."  
He looked up at the sky then down at the stone again,  
"I didn't. He's still disappointed."  
Saying the word broke him, he pressed the heel of his palm into his forehead and gasped a sob before groaning,  
"I screwed it up. Course I did. Robert screws everything up again."  
He took a few breaths; nausea beginning to kick in after all the booze. He lifted his head again,  
"I wish you were here. T-to call me an idiot or just...give me a hug."  
He looked down, suddenly aching in another way, wanting someone's arms around him, wanting his mum, wanting Victoria, wanting Aaron. The ache for Aaron burned inside him, mingled with the hurt from his words and the shame of knowing they were justified. He pressed his head in to his hands again and let himself cry for a minute before taking some deep breaths and calming himself down,  
"I don't know what to do...I let him down."  
He finally wiped his cheeks; wincing slightly when the phone began to buzz in his pocket again.   
"I don't know what to do mum."  
He pushed his hands through his hair,  
"I don't know what else to do. Why isn't it enough? Why am I not good enough?"  
He wiped his nose,  
"Why am I not good enough? WHY AM I NEVER GOOD ENOUGH?"  
He climbed to his feet and took another gulp of whiskey; stumbling back and stopping himself,  
"It's all his fault, you know. It's all...him. He's the one that ruined it. He's the one that-that screwed me up."  
He shook his head,  
"I'm sorry mum."  
He sniffed again,  
"I'm sorry I screwed it all up."  
He wiped his nose again,  
"I need to go. I need to..."  
He sighed and shook his head,  
"If I don't see you for a while...I love you."  
He leant over; pressing his lips against the cool stone and closing his eyes,  
"I love you."  
He stood straight and rubbed the spot where his lips were before stepping back; taking a glance around and heading slowly back toward the village.

Aaron rolled over and looked at the empty spot beside him; guilt waved over him and he turned on to his back again; chewing his lip as he slung his arm over his eyes. His fingers played with the edge of the blanket, sleep wasn't going to happen. He waited up until gone two then headed upstairs, pacing their room over and over until finally sitting, then laying, on the bed. It felt too big. Too cold, too empty. He moved his arm and sat up; leaning against the headboard and grabbing his phone. He dialled Robert's number again, closing his eyes as it cut to voicemail.  
"Robert...I don't know if you're listening to these or just deleting them...just...come home, please come home. I love you. I can't do this without you. I'm sorry...that's all...I'm sorry. And I love you."  
He hung up the phone and let out a shuddering breath, curling up on his side and pulling Robert's pillow over to himself as he let himself cry. 

The phone ringing startled him awake; he shot up and grabbed it, pressing it to his ear without even checking the screen,  
"Robert?"  
"Mate?"  
His heart sank at Adam's voice,  
"Adam...what's up?"  
He looked around as Adam talked, barely taking anything in then cutting him off,  
"Is Robert at yours?"  
Adam paused,  
"No? Should he be?"  
Aaron rubbed his face, heading downstairs to grab his jacket,  
"Uh no...no don't worry. I'll be in when I can-"  
"-Aaron?  
"-Okay? I'll see you later."  
He hung up and immediately dialled Robert's number as he headed out.

"Robert?"  
He groaned, kicking his leg away from whatever was nudging him,  
"Robert!"  
His eyes shot open; immediately squinting at the bright light that surrounded him. He closed them again, only to be kicked again,  
"Oi."  
He opened his eyes properly that time, tilting his head up and frowning at the blurry sight of a person before him,  
"Liv?"  
The girl looked down at him,  
"Well it's not God."  
Robert groaned; pushing a hand through his hair,  
"You sure? I feel dead."  
He looked around,  
"Where am I?"  
Liv sat down on an upturned box,  
"Cricket Pavilion."  
Robert pushed himself into a sitting position and rubbed his face,  
"Why are you here?"  
Liv shrugged,  
"Because I saw you in here. And I wanted to check you weren't dead."  
Robert glanced at her,  
"Thanks."  
Liv looked down at the floor,  
"This where you were all night?"  
Robert looked around,  
"Uh...I guess. I don't know. Don't remember much."  
He pushed himself up straighter and groaned,  
"Don't have any painkillers on you do you?"  
Liv glanced down then looked at him again,  
"Aaron's been worried sick by the way. If you care."  
Robert looked at her,  
"Of course I care. Why'd you think I'm in this...mess?"  
Liv rolled her eyes,  
"What mess? Hungover?"  
Robert pinched the bridge of his nose,  
"Actually yeah. Yeah...very much so, so if we could hold off on the lecture that would be great."  
Liv shook her head,  
"He's been phoning you constantly and freaking out. Why didn't you just answer him?"  
Robert put his head back,  
"It's complicated, Liv. Okay? Just drop it."  
Liv's shifted,  
"I heard him crying."  
Robert pushed his hands through his hair again before sighing,  
"Yeah and I'm sorry about that-"  
"So just apologise to him and you can be happy again."  
Robert scoffed as he shook his head,  
"Because I'm the one that screwed up?"  
Liv shrugged,  
"Are you?"  
She watched him for a moment and sighed,  
"Here."  
She turned around and picked up the take away coffee she'd brought along,  
"Got you this."  
Robert climbed to his feet, groaning at the pain in his head and the tell tale crack from his muscles that revealed how uncomfortable the floor was. He sat on a box beside Liv and took the coffee,  
"Thanks."  
He raised it to his lips then paused,  
"It's not poisoned is it?"  
She gave him a look,  
"Think I'd do that?"  
Robert smiled and took a sip,  
"Besides...if I was going to poison you I wouldn't put it in coffee."  
Robert shook his head and chuckled; holding the warm cup between his hands and fiddling with the lip. Liv sat quietly for a moment then spoke up,  
"Are you and Aaron going to break up?"  
Robert sighed,  
"Hope not."  
He looked at her; a wave of fondness for the girl washing over him,  
"Whatever happens though, you know I'm always going to be there for you. Don't you?"  
She blinked,  
"Promise?"  
Robert nodded,  
"You're my sister too. So as long as you want me, I'm going to be there for you."  
Liv chewed her lip, looking away as she edged slightly closer to him. Robert wrapped an arm around her shoulders, pulling her flush against him and kissing the top of her head. They sat silently for a moment, Robert rubbing her arm soothingly until Liv turned her head toward him,  
"Robert?"  
"Mmhmm?"  
She pulled away slightly,  
"You really need a shower."  
Robert looked at her for a moment then laughed,  
"Yeah. Yeah I do."  
She stood up,  
"No ones in. You can sneak in if you don't wanna see anyone."  
Robert hesitated and Liv clicked her tongue,  
"It's your house too. Just come in, have a shower, grab some food....change."  
She sighed,  
"Look, if you've really done nothing wrong then you have nothing to worry about."  
Robert watched her for a moment,  
"You're right. Yeah you're right."  
He groaned as he bent down to grab his jacket,  
"Why'd you end up here anyway? You know we have a house being built down the road?"  
Robert took a sip of coffee and shrugged,  
"Guess I didn't wanna be found."  
Liv hoisted her school bag over her shoulder,  
"Well you failed that. I found you."  
"Yeah but you're part bloodhound."  
Liv pushed his arm, unable to stop the smile tugging at her lips as they left the pavilion and made their way to the pub.

Aaron couldn't concentrate. He knew Adam was talking to him but no words were going in; tapping the pen against the paper and keeping one eye fixed firmly on the phone, his heart stopping every time it lit up.  
"Oi?"  
Aaron dropped the pen,  
"Sorry."  
He rubbed his face as Adam leant in slightly,  
"Mate, go home. Wait for him."  
Aaron shook his head,  
"He won't go home. He'll assume I'm there and avoid the place. If I stay here he's more likely to come round."  
He met Adams eye,  
"Right?"  
Adams face changed as he saw the desperation in his eyes,  
"Mate...seriously just...go home. He'll come back. He will. He loves you."  
Aaron nodded slowly and put his head in his hands,  
"Adam I don't know what to do if he doesn't come back."  
Adam clicked his tongue and stood up; holding his arms out,  
"Come here."  
Aaron didn't move for a moment then stood up and moved in to Adams arms; hugging him tightly as he clenched his jaw to keep from crying, failing as soon as Adam started rubbing his back and whispering soothingly to him.   
"It's okay. Come on, it's okay."  
Aaron gripped him tightly; squeezing his eyes shut and letting his emotions go. Eventually Adam pulled away,  
"Hey? Look at me."  
Aaron met his eye slowly as he let out shuddering breaths,  
"Go clean yourself up. Get home, and make up with him yeah?"  
Aaron nodded, wiping his eyes and trying to calm his breathing. Adam gripped his arms,  
"Hey? Look at me."  
Aaron did again,  
"You two are meant to be. You are. This'll blow over and you'll be solid again. Okay?"  
Aaron nodded,  
"Yeah. Cheers."  
Adam clapped his shoulder,  
"Go on. Get lost."  
Aaron took a few breaths and wiped his eyes again,  
"Thanks."  
Adam gave him a small smile, waiting for him to leave the cabin before he sat back down.

Robert stared at the shirt in his hand for a long moment, starting when the knock on the door came, he pulled it on quickly and turned around,  
"Yeah?"  
Liv walked in carrying a plate with a sandwich and a steaming mug,  
"Made you a sandwich."  
Robert was touched by the gesture and he felt himself relax slightly,  
"Thanks."  
He took the mug and took a sip,  
"Mm...you should talk to Bob about a job, this is good."  
Liv scoffed but couldn't help the tiny smile,  
"Thanks."  
He sat on the bed, Liv climbing on after him and they sat in silence for a while until Liv looked at him,  
"What happened?"  
Robert glanced at her,  
"Hmm?"  
Liv shrugged,  
"Last night. What happened?"  
Robert hesitated then shrugged,  
"We just fought. We do that, you know that."  
Liv sighed,  
"I'm not a kid. You can talk to me."  
Robert looked at her,  
"Why are you being so nice to me?"  
Liv shrugged,  
"Cos you're like my brother aren't you?"  
Robert looked at her then looked down at his mug again. Liv waited a moment before speaking up,  
"I mean it must have been bad for you to spend the night away. And drink so much."  
Robert ran his thumb along the rim of the mug,  
"I just...I don't wanna talk about it. Okay?"  
Liv nodded,  
"Okay."  
A door closing downstairs made them both look up,  
"Aaron."  
Liv jumped from the bed and ran out as Robert tried to calm himself, his breath caught in his throat and he froze as the door opened; only to let out a laugh of relief when Chas appeared,  
"Chas."  
She folded her arms as she watched him,  
"You're alive then."  
Robert felt like a child being scolded, he instinctively wrapped his arms around himself and took a step back. Chas's arms dropped and her face softened,  
"Robert? Love? What is it?"  
She stepped forward,  
"Are you okay?"  
He looked at her; part of him wanting to have her wrap him in her arms and hold him, another part wanted to leave. To get away and act like everything was fine. He straightened up,  
"Yeah. Course. I'm fine."  
Chas raised an eyebrow,  
"You're fine?"  
Robert rubbed the back of his neck,  
"Yeah...how did you know I was here?"  
Chas sighed,  
"Liv. The girl can keep her secrets but when it comes to her brothers she folds straight away."  
Robert's face softened at the use of the word and he looked at the ground,  
"Robert?"  
Robert winced and shook his head, Chas clicked her tongue and walked over; pulling him in to a hug and rubbing his back,  
"Come on. Talk to me."  
Robert clung to her, squeezing his eyes shut before taking a breath,  
"I let him down, Chas."  
She pulled back and looked at him,  
"Let him down? How?"  
He looked away and Chas gripped his arm,  
"Robert? Come on, you can talk to me. Okay? Whatever it is, it won't go any further. I won't even tell Aaron if you don't want."  
Robert sighed heavily and sat back on the bed; knowing if he stopped talking he would never be able to start again. He took a deep breath and began,  
"I told him something. Something I've never...about my dad."  
Chas sat beside him; a familiar fear gripping her spine,  
"Tell me he didn't...to you as well."  
Robert looked at her and shook his head,  
"No no no. Nothing like that."  
Chas exhaled sharply,  
"Okay...so...your dad?"  
Robert gripped the sheets, his head burning and his mouth suddenly dry,  
"No one else knows...just Aaron."  
Chas touched his arm,  
"Knows what?"  
Robert looked around, his skin tight with the feeling of being trapped in. He rubbed his face and shrugged,  
"I-I was his biggest disappointment. Still am probably..."  
Chas reached down and squeezed his shoulder,  
"I'm sure you weren't. Not really."  
He looked up,   
"No...no I was. I wasn't the son he wanted."  
Chas felt her heart break for him, watching his face as it fell, his cocky demeanour falling away and revealing a lost boy underneath,  
"He'd be proud of you. He would...how far you've come? The good you've done?"  
Robert scoffed,  
"Trust me that wouldn't have changed his mind."  
Chas shrugged,  
"He'd see how you've changed, you and-and Aaron...he'd be proud of that."  
Robert nodded, looking down at his legs,  
"Yeah...that's not true."  
He chewed his lip for a moment then looked up and met Chas's eye,  
"He knew. About me. About my being bisexual...or...I mean back then I didn't even know what I was."  
Robert cleared his throat,  
"He caught me. With a lad. Beat the daylights out of me."  
His face burned and he stood up,  
"Sorry. I uh..."  
Chas reached for him just as he stepped out of the way, she took her hand back, not wanting to invade his space when he didn't want.  
"Go on."  
He rubbed his face,  
"That's uh...why he hated me. Why I...disappointed him so much. I wasn't the perfect farmers son he wanted. I wasn't willing to stay running the farm, wasn't..."  
He looked away then shrugged,  
"Wasn't straight like Andy."  
Chas shook her head in disbelief,  
"I had no idea. I'm sorry love."  
Robert looked at her and gave a tight nod. Chas wet her lips and met his eye again,  
"What does this have to do with last night?"  
Robert wanted to cry again; he winced as he closed his eyes, Aaron's voice ringing in his ear,  
"Because last night...Aaron agreed with him."  
He opened his eyes again and looked at Chas; voice cracking as he shrugged,  
"And I don't blame him. I am a disappointment."  
He took a breath determined not to spill tears in front of her; words bubbling up inside him until he couldn't hold it. Couldn't stop himself,  
"I tried...I tried so hard to be the person he wanted, you know I-I-I got the job and I got the wife and the status and-and I had it. I had it and then Aaron happened and I couldn't accept it."  
He couldn't stop himself, the flood gates had opened, he didn't dare meet her eye as he talked,  
"And I mean, he was meant to be like the others. They were just one night stands and I could deal with that because it was sex. It was just sex, and nothing more and that didn't make me gay. Or bi. It made me human, and then I would go home to Chrissie and keep up this life and I would forget them."  
He took a deep breath as Chas stood in shock at the way he was spilling everything,  
"Then Aaron...Aaron happened and he hooked me. From the minute I met him he hooked me and once wasn't enough. It wasn't...because when I was with him I was good. I was enough. He didn't care about the-the money, or the name or the land I owned or the....business. He just wanted me. Just me. And I just want him. I couldn't care less what he has or doesn't have because I just want him. It's more than enough for me. And he got in here-"  
He pounded his chest,  
"He got in here and I couldn't lie anymore, I couldn't just go back. You know that. You watched it and you thought I was messing him about but it was tearing me up inside and even then I couldn't just be honest. I couldn't just face up to it, I had my dad's voice in my ear telling me I was disgusting, I was wrong. I wasn't the boy he raised."  
He had to stop, tears spilling and breath coming short,  
"Aaron changed me in ways I can't even tell you. He just...he's goodness and light and...I really tried to be the man for him. To be good enough and I just...I wasn't. I wasn't enough, like he said. I'm not good enough. I'm not good enough for him no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try I screw it up and I can't. I can't do anymore and it hurts. It hurts all the time. I can't do this anymore...please...please I-I can't."  
Chas jumped to her feet; her heart hurting at the sight of Robert looking so broken.   
"Right. You listen to me. You are not a disappointment. Do you understand?"  
Robert looked away and Chas grabbed his chin, turning his head back to look at her,  
"No. You listen. You know I wouldn't willingly big you up."  
Robert choked out a laugh and Chas dropped her hand from his chin and gripped his shoulders,  
"You are the furthest thing from a disappointment that I can think of. Look at what you've become. A couple years ago I would have willingly run you out of this village myself and now? You have changed into someone that I am proud to call my son in law."  
Robert looked at her, eyes red and glassy and eyebrows raised,  
"Yeah?"  
Chas gave him a small smile and rubbed his arms,  
"You know Aaron has a temper. He says things in the heat of the moment then realises moments later and regrets it. And...he was a mess last night, that's got to tell you how much he didn't mean what he said. He didn't mean it."  
Robert couldn't help the emotions that overtook him, whispering the words to Chas,  
"But what if he did? What if everything I've done is just not good enough? What if I can never be good enough for him?"  
Chas pulled him in to another hug, holding him tightly,  
"You are not a disappointment. Not at all. Not for a second. You hear me?"  
Robert gripped her and nodded; relaxing slightly in to the embrace, only to stiffen when they heard the door again,  
"Mum?"  
Robert stepped back and wiped his cheeks,  
"It's Aaron."  
Chas looked at him,  
"Are you ready to talk?"  
Robert swallowed and shook his head,  
"No."  
Chas nodded,  
"Okay. Okay I'll go and talk to him."  
Robert wiped his eyes again,  
"Don't tell him-"  
"I won't. Don't worry."  
She stepped toward the door,  
"Thanks."  
She turned and gave him another smile,  
"Any time."  
Robert took a deep breath and closed his eyes as Chas left him in the room alone.

"You're home early."  
Aaron turned toward her,  
"Yeah I couldn't concentrate. Figured I'd wait here for a bit then go search for Rob...what?"  
He trailed off as he noticed the look on her face,  
"Robert's upstairs."  
Aaron moved quickly; only to be blocked by Chas grabbing him,  
"Mum let go!"  
"No. He doesn't want to talk right now he just came to change."  
Aaron stepped back,  
"Ch-change? He's staying right? He's staying here?"  
Chas hesitated,  
"Mum?!"  
He huffed and tried to get past her again, only to be stopped,  
"Aaron! If you storm up there now he will leave. Okay?"  
Aaron stopped; frustration pricking at his skin as he stepped back and rubbed his face,  
"S-so what do I do? What do I do mum? Huh? How can I fix this when he won't even be in a room with me?"  
He pushed his hands through his hair and turned around,  
"I really screwed this up. I really lost him."  
He turned to look at Chas,  
"Haven't I?"  
She couldn't answer him, she could only shrug,  
"I don't know sweetheart."  
He crumbled,  
"Mum."  
Chas pulled him in, wrapping him up in her arms as he sobbed,  
"I love him so much."  
Chas rubbed his back,  
"I know. I know love...come on."  
She pulled back and wiped his cheeks,  
"Now you listen to me. There is a man upstairs who is distraught. Thinking he's the one who screwed everything up. He's a mess...you're a mess. What you need is space. Just for a bit. To get your heads right before I smash them together."  
Aaron choked out a laugh,  
"Thanks."  
He wiped his eyes and let out a long breath,  
"So what do I do?"  
Chas rubbed his arms,  
"We wait."  
Aaron stared at the ground; taking a moment before shaking his head,  
"No. No I can't...I need to talk to him. I need to...fix this. Get out of my way. Get off me. Mum, get off I need to-"  
Chas couldn't think what else to do, she slapped him across the face. They both started at the motion and Aaron rubbed his face,  
"What the hell are you doing?!"  
Chas reached for him,  
"I'm sorry, love. I'm sorry. I panicked!"  
Aaron stepped back, the slap had snapped him out of his frantic state and he let out a shuddering breath,  
"I need to just...let him come to me."  
Chas pulled him into a tight hug,  
"He will."  
Aaron gripped her tightly,  
"I love him."  
"And he loves you. He loves you so much."  
Aaron closed his eyes; letting himself give in to fresh tears.

Robert felt like an idiot; like he was being a child, sat on the step and pushing his hands through his hair as he tried to build himself up to go into the living room. His mind went over what he had to do over and over until he could barely think straight at all. He dropped his hands and looked over as he heard the step above creak. Liv sat down beside him and watched him,  
"You gonna go in?"  
He sighed,  
"Dunno yet. Longer I sit here the worse it seems to be."  
Liv edged slightly closer and put her head on his shoulder. They fell into silence for a few minutes before she spoke up,  
"Please don't leave."  
Robert frowned,  
"What?"  
Liv wrapped her arms around one of his and held tight,  
"I know I gave you a lot of stick but please don't. I don't want you to go."  
Robert was floored, hearing Liv say those things was something he never imagined,  
"Liv-"  
"You love him. And you said you loved me once."  
Roberts eyes were wide in surprise,  
"I-I do. I love you both."  
She lifted her head then and looked at him,  
"Then don't go. Stay. Sort it out."  
Robert sighed, freeing his arm from her grip and pulling her in, he hugged her,  
"I promised you. Whatever happens, I'm here for you."  
Liv hugged him tightly,  
"He does love you."  
Robert put his chin on the top of her head and smiled,  
"Yeah I love him too."  
He pressed a kiss to her head,  
"And you. Suppose."  
Liv lifted her head,  
"You too. Kind of."  
Robert smiled and ruffled her hair before taking a breath,  
"Right...better do this."  
He stood up and looked down at her again,  
"Whatever happens...you know...yeah?"  
She nodded,  
"Yeah...I know."  
He smiled at her and took another breath before walking down the stairs and opening the living room door.

As soon as he opened the door they froze; still in an embrace,  
"Sorry."  
They both froze at the sight of Robert in the doorway. Aaron wiped his cheeks quickly,  
"Robert."  
He stood awkwardly until Chas cleared her throat,  
"Right...I'm gonna just....yeah."  
She left them alone, closing the door behind her. Both men stood in silence, watching one another before Robert cleared his throat and spoke,  
"Are you okay?"  
Aaron stared at him incredulously,  
"You're asking me?"  
Robert looked down, hating the awkwardness, hating the stilted way they spoke. Aaron pulled his sleeves over his hands and gestured to the sofa,  
"You wanna sit?"  
Robert shook his head and Aaron nodded,  
"I don't remember us ever being awkward. It's weird."  
Robert looked up at him again and Aaron swallowed hard,  
"W-where did you go?"  
Robert reached forward, gripping the back of the sofa,  
"I uh...needed some time to think. Went to see my mum."  
Aaron felt a pang of sorrow at knowing Robert could only go to a grave,  
"Did it help?"  
Robert shrugged,  
"A little. The whiskey did more."  
Robert took a steadying breath,  
"Gave me time to think. Needed that."  
Aaron looked down,  
"Rob-"  
"-I'm sorry. Throwing Gordon in your face like that was wrong. I shouldn't have done that."  
Aaron frowned; he'd completely forgotten about it.   
"Oh...it's fine. Don't worry."  
Robert looked at him,  
"It's not though. I shouldn't-"  
"Robert stop. You don't have anything to apologise for. Nothing."  
He moved closer,  
"I'm the one that's sorry. I'm sorry. What I said I didn't mean it. I didn't...I was angry at you and I just snapped."  
Robert stepped back,  
"Yeah you did. You did mean it."  
He shoved his hands in his pockets, not wanting to look at the man, not wanting to see his eyes,  
"It's okay. It's true. I am...I am a disappointment."  
Aaron couldn't speak, his heart breaking and shame pricking at his skin at the way Robert was agreeing with him. He swallowed, stepping forward slightly toward him again; every fibre of his being desperate to hold him,  
"You...are not a disappointment. What I said...I said because I wanted to hurt you. Because I was mad. I lashed out. I didn't mean it. You have to know I didn't mean it."  
Robert looked at him then, shrugging slightly,  
"I am one though. And-and I get it. Yeah? I know I've let you down time and time again, and I've screwed this up-"  
"Robert, stop."  
Robert looked at him, surprised at the stern tone of Aaron's voice,   
"Stop this. Just...stop."  
Robert shrugged slightly,  
"It's too late."  
Robert let out a sharp breath,  
"Don't you get it?"  
He rubbed his face,  
"I've been treading water...for months. Trying to keep my head up and be the person you want, the person you need me to be. And I can't do it. I can't...be this image of this person, it's too much. It's too hard. No matter what I do I...I can't live up to this. I can't. You deserve better, you deserve more than someone just fighting everyday to live up to a standard I just can't..."  
He brushed a tear from his cheek and shrugged,  
"I can't do this. I thought I could, I thought I could trick myself into believing that it's working but it's not. You're always gonna be let down by me. Always. Even if I fight with everything I have; I always end up...being short of what you need."  
Aaron ignored the tear that trickled down his face, his stomach dropping,  
"What are you saying?"  
Robert sniffed and looked down, shaking his head slightly,  
"Robert...please don't leave me."  
He looked up, tears spilling,  
"I don't want to."  
Aaron moved to him; gripping his hands, scared to let go,  
"Then don't."  
He cupped the back of Robert's head, pulling him in and pressing their heads together,  
"Just-just-just don't okay? Just...just be with me. We'll be okay. We'll be okay. I love you. I love you."  
Robert gripped his arms and nodded,  
"I know. I know I love you too. I love you too. God I love you so much."  
Aaron looked at him, pulling back enough to grip his shirt,  
"I can't do it...you deserve more than this. You deserve better than me."  
Aaron shook his head,  
"No. No no no."  
Robert squeezed his eyes shut as more tears came,  
"Those thoughts were there Aaron, they're in your head and it's just gonna get worse. I'm not what you need-"  
"Yes you are!"  
He surged forward, cupping Robert's head and kissing him, Robert gripped him tightly, their kiss broken only by the gasping sobs that ripped from both men,  
"Just stay. Please please just stay. Just stay."  
Robert sniffed, the pain is his chest almost unbearable,  
"I can't let you down anymore."  
He let out a shuddering breath,  
"I have a-a meeting. In Zurich. I'm gonna go. I'll be gone a while so...should give you time. Give me time."  
He let go of Aaron and wiped his eyes,  
"I'm sorry I couldn't be strong enough. You'll never know how sorry I am for that."  
Aaron shook his head over and over as he reached for him again,  
"Don't. Don't, please don't go. Please. Just...stay. Just stay and we'll be okay. I can't have ruined this because of one thing. I can't."  
Robert cupped his face again,  
"You didn't. You didn't...I just can't be this person that keeps letting you down. I can't do that to you, you're too good."  
He leant in and kissed his head,  
"I love you."  
Aaron let out a sob,  
"I don't want you to go. Please don't go."  
Robert pressed their foreheads together,  
"I'll be better for you one day. But right now I can't just...live waiting for the moment when I screw up and let you down."  
Robert gripped his collar tightly; the two men unable to control their emotions,  
"I don't wanna be a disappointment to you anymore Aaron. I want you to be happy...I just want you to be happy."  
Aaron pushed him back to look at him,  
"You make me happy! God Robert this is so stupid just stay. I didn't mean what I said!"  
Robert shook his head,  
"I can't."  
He sniffed,  
"You deserve better."  
He stepped away and wiped his eyes,  
"I'm sorry I couldn't be that for you."  
Aaron couldn't speak; he felt sick, felt the bile rise in his throat as he watched Robert step away, he tried to speak his name, the word coming out as a hoarse whisper as Robert put his head down, and walked out.

Aaron couldn't breathe; the walls were closing in on him, making his vision grow dark as he gripped the back of the chair. Chas was talking, he could see her mouth moving, could see her wiping her eyes before reaching for him. He couldn't feel her touch. Couldn't root himself in the room, instead he felt like he was floating. An out of body experience that he just wanted to end.   
"Aaron? What the hell is going on?"  
He blinked, Victoria's yelling bringing him back in the room,  
"What the hell happened? Why has he left? Aaron?"  
He couldn't stand it, couldn't be in that room anymore. He pushed past her, the lump in his throat too painful to swallow down as he left the pub; walking quickly down the road before breaking into a run, not stopping until he reached the scrapyard- his lungs were burning, his feet in pain and his heart in his ears. He doubled over; images of Robert behind his eyes and his voice in his head. He felt sick; squeezing his eyes shut as his mouth filled with saliva. He gripped his knees and retched, vomit hitting the gravel and tears pouring down his face. He stumbled back; his stomach lurching as he balanced himself with a hand on the car they had been dismantling. He gagged again, his stomach emptying over and over until all he could do was grip his midsection and let out a roar of pain. He slammed his hand into the roof of the car over and over before stalking to the other side of the yard; he grabbed a metal pipe and went back to the car; slamming it hard into the windscreen, over and over until it was shattered before stepping around and beating the car with every ounce of energy that he had; tears of anger and heartbreak pouring down his cheeks as he shouted with every strike of the metal pipe. He stopped when he took the wing mirror off, sending it clattering to the floor. He panted heavily; holding the pipe in one hand and covering his face with the other,  
"Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck FU-U-U-UCK!"  
He dropped his hand and screamed at the sky before grasping the pipe again and smashing the car once more; taking out windows and denting the metal of the bonnet as he screamed until his voice grew hoarse,  
"Aaron? Aaron!"  
He smashed the back window over and over,  
"Aaron!"  
The hand stopped the pipe as he lifted it once more, pulling it from his grip and flinging it across the yard before he was pulled in to a hug,  
"Mate. Come on. It's okay."  
Aaron sobbed; pushing at Adam in vain as the man refused to let him go,  
"It's okay. It's okay."  
Aaron let out another scream; pressing his face into Adams chest and gripping his shirt,  
"Mate?"  
Adam wrapped his arms around him, holding him tight as he cried; he felt Aaron's legs go first, all the energy draining from him at once as he collapsed to his knees. Adam followed suite, holding him tightly as he sobbed against his chest.

"Where'd he go?"  
Aaron shrugged before hugging his knees tighter to his chest,  
"He didn't say?"  
Aaron shook his head then stopped,  
"Uh...Zurich. He's in Zurich."  
He sniffed and Adam reached across to grip his shoulder,  
"I'm sorry, mate."  
Aaron rubbed his nose,  
"It's my fault."  
He sniffed,  
"I drove him away."  
Adam sighed,  
"No you didn't. He loves you. Anyone can see that."  
Aaron scoffed before wiping his eyes,  
"Yeah and look what I did. Throwing his dad in his face. Telling him..."  
He looked down and shook his head,  
"You don't know him like I do. You don't see it...no one does."  
Adam frowned,  
"See what?"  
Aaron swallowed,  
"How much it affects him. His dad...what he went through growing up."  
He wiped his eyes and looked at Adam,  
"His Dad knew about him. Liking blokes."  
Adam raised his eyebrows in surprise,  
"He did? Vic never-"  
"Vic doesn't know. No one does. Except me."  
Adam let out a long breath,  
"So what happened?"  
Aaron wiped his nose on the back of his sleeve,  
"He caught him with this lad. Someone that worked on the farm. In his room...he got rid of the lad and beat Rob up."  
He shrugged slightly again,  
"That's why he was so messed up, why he was so...adamant about being straight, why he fought it so much...why he has this-this thing with Andy. Because his dad preferred him."  
He closed his eyes for a moment as the memory of his own voice screaming at Robert that he was a failure, cut him like a knife. He let out a long breath, opening his eyes, then looked out at the yard,  
"He hid who he was for so long it was like he became another person."  
He wiped his cheeks and Adam swallowed hard,  
"Wow."  
Aaron sniffed then looked at Adam,  
"You can't tell Vic."  
Adam rubbed his shoulder,  
"I won't."  
He waited a moment before looking at him again,  
"S-so what happened? Why'd he leave?"  
Aaron winced and looked down,  
"He was drunk...we had a-a fight."  
Adam gave a small smile,  
"You two fight all the time."  
Aaron shook his head,  
"No...no this was different. The things I said to him."  
He put his head in his hands and waited a moment to calm down,  
"I told him his dad was right. That he was a disappointment. That his dad was right to replace him...he started...saying he wasn't good enough for me, that he's always going to let me down and he can't live like that anymore."  
His voice cracked as Adam rubbed his back,  
"I've lost him. I knew he had those thoughts and I just..."  
He looked at Adam,  
"I've lost him."  
Adam edged closer and pulled him in to another hug,  
"You haven't lost him. He adores you."  
He put his chin on Aaron's head,  
"Mate I'm telling you. Give him a few days and he'll come running back."  
Aaron pulled away and wiped his eyes,  
"Yeah...yeah."  
He sniffed and climbed to his feet,  
"Thanks...for the talk and that."  
Adam climbed to his feet,  
"Want me to come with you? Take you home?"  
Aaron shook his head,  
"No...no I just wanna be alone."  
Adam gave him another hug,  
"You know where I am yeah?"  
Aaron nodded,  
"Yeah. Thanks."  
He stepped back, turning around and wiping his eyes again before walking from the yard and back down the road.

"Hi, you've reached Robert Sugden. Leave a message and I'll call you back. Thanks."  
Aaron closed his eyes and hung up the phone. He waited a moment then dialled again,  
"Hi, you've reached Robert Sugden. Leave a message and I'll call you back. Thanks."  
Six days he'd been gone. Aaron had felt every single dragging second; waking up alone with only his guilt and loneliness to accompany him.  
"Hi, you've reached Robert Sugden. Leave a message and I'll call you back. Thanks."  
He hung the phone up and pushed his hand through his hair before climbing from the bed, heading to the wardrobe and grabbing another shirt, not bothering to shower before getting dressed and heading downstairs.  
"Morning love. Bacon sarnie?"  
Aaron grabbed his coat,  
"No. I have a job."  
Chas gave him a sad smile,  
"Did you sleep?"  
He pulled the coat on,  
"Yeah, like a log."  
His voice was laced with sarcasm and Chas sighed,  
"You need to sleep."  
Aaron grabbed an apple from the bowl and headed to the door,  
"You'll be no use to him if you break down."  
He looked at Chas again,  
"I'm no use to him anyway. So it doesn't really matter now does it?"  
He left then, ignoring the call of his name as he went. He headed to the cafe first; one large americano to go and he left. He pulled his phone from his pocket and checked it again, not expecting any calls or messages from Robert but still praying there would be one. He shoved the phone back in and took a sip of coffee, the bitter burn making him wince. He didn't put sugar in. Got used to ordering without and grew accustomed. He sipped it again, the taste familiar to his tongue, reminding him of Robert, reminding him of their morning kisses. He rubbed his face and took another gulp, the burn of the liquid clearing his mind and focusing him. He didn't want to work, didn't want to see anyone, didn't want to think. He turned on his heel and headed back toward his car, he needed to leave, needed to get away from people. He climbed into the drivers seat and put the coffee down before gripping the steering wheel and closing his eyes tightly,  
"Drive somewhere."  
"Where?"  
"Anywhere."  
"The stars?"  
"What?"  
"Nothing."  
Aaron frowned, snippets of memories hitting him over and over; Robert smiling at him as he drove them both, his hand on Aaron's thigh then taking his hand and kissing it. Aaron laughing as Robert sang along to the radio, Robert groaning as Aaron put the same song on again. He felt the anger rise inside him again; exhaustion and depression mingling together and making his body ache, like he needed to stretch but couldn't. He breathed heavily through his nose; gripping the steering wheel even more tightly, the plastic creaking under his touch as he clenched his jaw to try and stop himself from lashing out. He felt it building inside him, starting at his toes and working its way up until he couldn't hold it in anymore, he put his chin to his chest and let it out, screaming over and over as he slammed his hands against the wheel before yanking at it, his throat hurting by the time he stopped and balled his hands into fists and pushed them into his eyes. He let out a few long breaths then dropped his hands,  
"How long have you been here?"  
He hadn't heard her open the door. She'd just sat in silence beside him and waited,  
"About a minute."  
He looked over at her,  
"Not gonna tell me to calm down?"  
She shrugged,  
"Do you wanna calm down?"  
He shook his head and looked out of the windscreen again. Belle sat silently for a moment, not even looking at him until he sighed and pulled his seatbelt on,  
"Buckle up."  
Belle did as she was told and sat back as Aaron pulled from the car park and began to drive.

"It's my fault."  
Belle looked over in surprise. They'd been sitting on the bench for nearly fifteen minutes before Aaron spoke. He'd driven them out of the village, taking back roads until they reached a viewpoint. It was quiet; Belle had never been there before. Aaron climbed from the car and walked until they found a place to sit. She had watched him quietly for a few minutes before looking out at the view, his sudden voice in the silence around them was a startle,  
"I'm sorry?"  
He swallowed, hands in his pockets to hide how they shook,  
"He left because I told him he was a failure. A disappointment."  
He looked at Belle,  
"I'm supposed to love him and I do that."  
Belle reached out and touched his back,  
"You didn't mean it though...right?"  
Aaron shrugged,  
"Doesn't matter. He believes it anyway."  
He sighed as he looked out at the view again,  
"Of course I don't. Not for a minute...he's...amazing."  
He looked at her,  
"Whatever happens now is my fault."  
He shook his head, looking down at his lap,  
"I hate myself for what I said."  
Belle edged closer,  
"Have you told him that?"  
Aaron scoffed,  
"He won't even answer my calls."  
He sat back,  
"It's over. I know it is."  
He shook his head then looked at her,  
"Why are you here?"  
Belle frowned,  
"You drove us."  
Aaron smirked,  
"I mean-"  
"I know what you mean."  
Belle shrugged,  
"You're my cousin. And you looked like you needed someone to talk to."  
Aaron nodded then looked out,  
"Everyone wants to talk at me. Tell me that it'll be fine. He loves me. It'll be fine."  
He pulled his hands from his pockets and clasped them,  
"I don't believe them."  
Belle watched him a moment,  
"Have you talked to them? About what you're thinking?"  
Aaron shook his head,  
"They don't understand...or care. They're just..being so nice and it's making me want to-"  
"Scream?"  
Aaron met her eye,  
"Yeah."  
Belle looked out at the view for a moment then turned back to Aaron,  
"Have you written to him?"  
Aaron frowned,  
"You what?"  
She shrugged slightly,  
"When I was ill...I couldn't...talk to people I wanted to. I couldn't say what I wanted to say...not really, not to their faces. So I wrote it all down. I never sent it...but it felt better to write it down. Maybe writing to him will help. Even if he doesn't read it. At least you'll have it out of here."  
She tapped the side of her head,  
"If it doesn't help...it doesn't help."  
He watched her for a long moment,  
"When did you get so wise?"  
She smirked,  
"I've always been wise. You've just been too much of an idiot to notice."  
He nudged her with his shoulder then wrapped his arm around her,  
"Thanks."  
She leant against him,  
"No worries."  
Aaron stared out at the view, his arm tight around Belle as he began to plan.

He downed the rest of his beer and wiped his mouth, sitting heavily on the bed as he pulled the laptop toward himself. He stared at the blank page, the cursor blinking rhythmically. He'd restarted the email over and over, he knew it was late yet he couldn't make himself write the words. He sighed, rubbing his tired face and letting out a long breath.   
"Come on."  
He shifted on the bed, cracking his neck then reaching for the keys.  
"Robert..."  
He couldn't think, didn't know what to say to someone he wasn't sure was even going to read. He deleted the man's name and closed his eyes, a lump building in his throat as the ache of missing him returned. He breathed deeply and opened his eyes, taking a moment before typing the only thing he could think,  
"I love you."  
He pressed send and collapsed back into the bed; slinging an arm over his eyes and waiting a moment before sitting back up and pulling the laptop close again. He shook his head and began to type.

Robert watched the ceiling; lights from outside danced across it as the night turned slowly into day. He'd managed a solid two hours of sleep that night, the most since he arrived in Zurich. He sighed, sitting up slowly and figuring he could get some work done before the day fully started. He climbed from the hard, hotel bed and walked to the desk to grab his laptop, flicking the kettle on as he went. He sat heavily on the mattress and clicked the TV on; silence becoming too much for him to bear. He waited for the machine to load before clicking on his emails, scrolling through them before freezing as he saw the two from Aaron. He hovered the cursor over them and took a few breaths; dreading their content. Dreading seeing the words 'we're over' in black and white. He closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths before opening them and clicking on the message. His eyes scrolling fast down the text before returning to the beginning and focusing on them properly.  
"Robert.  
I don't know if you're going to read this. I hope you do. I can't stand not talking to you...I'm sitting on the bed- our bed. I miss you. I miss you more than anything and I need you to know that. That I miss you and I love you and I hate every minute without you here. Come home. Please come home. Belle told me that writing down everything might help, might help me and might help you, so that's what I'm going to do. I don't think anything that I said, you have to know that. I wanted to hurt you, wanted to make you angry because you pissed me off. That's it. I knew it was cruel and I didn't care. I just wanted you to hurt, and I said things that I knew would do that. It was wrong of me, it was cruel. And I'm sorry. You aren't a disappointment. Not in the slightest. I love you. I don't love anything or anyone like I love you. You do know that don't you? I never stopped loving you for one second. Not one. Not from the moment we started. And I never will. Ever. You're it. You're everything. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for what I said, for what I made you think, for making you leave. I'm the disappointment because I let you down. I let you think those were true and they weren't. Robert I miss you, miss your face, miss your smile, miss how you make coffee, miss how you take over the remote, miss how you kick me at night. I would trade everything to have you home. To have you here now. You're mine and I'm yours and even if you say that it's over, I won't care. Because you're my future. All of it. Nothing else matters without you and if I have to fight for you to see that I will. None of this makes sense. Just know that I'm here. I'm still in this. I'm not giving up on you please don't give up on me.  
I love you. Always.  
Aaron."  
Robert swallowed hard, scrolling back to the top and rereading the message again, over and over until he couldn't make sense of the words anymore. He wanted to go home. He wanted Aaron's arms around him, wanted to tell him how he hurt inside just thinking of letting him down, wanted to tell him how nothing else mattered to him if he wasn't in his life. He ached, as though in the throws of an illness, shaking and tired, wanting to cry and scream and lash out because he didn't know how else to deal with it. He shut the laptop, staring at the mirror across the room. The TV providing the only light, the news reader muttering something he didn't understand. The room suddenly felt cold, sterile, a strangers bed that he didn't belong in. He looked at his own reflection and then looked away, climbing from the bed and heading to the bathroom to splash water on his face. He gripped the sink and shut his eyes, letting out a long breath before opening his eyes again and meeting his gaze in the mirror. The man he saw stare back at him was one he didn't want to know. A man that was always on the verge of letting the love of his life down. The man that could try over and over and always fail. His stomach hurt from it all, from all the hate that spewed from his own mouth. He pushed from the sink and headed back to the bedroom, he couldn't go home. Couldn't let Aaron back in only to hurt him again. He knew it would be hard, knew that Aaron would suffer, that he would suffer, but he couldn't risk the pain in Aaron's eyes again. He flicked the kettle back on, turned the volume up on the TV to drown his own mind out, and got ready for work.

Aaron stared into space; sitting in the cafe with a cold cup of coffee in his hand, the general noise of the place creating a nice silence in his otherwise crowded head. Eleven days had passed since Robert left. Guilt still gnawed away at him; stopping him sleeping, keeping him awake at night, keeping him from doing anything. He glanced up as Liv sat opposite him, fixing a smile to his face as she did,  
"Alright?"  
Liv folded her arms,  
"Not really."  
Aaron sighed,  
"What?"  
Liv pursed her lips then looked at him,  
"Robert isn't answering my calls."  
Aaron scoffed,  
"Join the club."  
Liv leant forward slightly,  
"He's stopped talking to you too?"  
Aaron frowned,  
"What are you on about?"  
Liv huffed,  
"He was taking my calls until yesterday and now he's not answering."  
Aaron grew cold,   
"You've been talking to him?"  
Liv shrugged,  
"Yeah course I have. Just cos you two have had a spat doesn't mean that I can't talk to him."  
Aaron sat up and rubbed his face,  
"You've been talking to him this whole time?"  
Liv shifted awkwardly,  
"Not...everyday. But...yeah."  
Aaron shook his head in disbelief,  
"And you didn't think to-to tell me? To let me know that he was in touch?"  
Liv sat up,  
"And say what? I thought you two were talking! He made out that you were. I figured you didn't wanna talk about him so I didn't ask."  
He rubbed his hands on his jeans then shook his head again,  
"I can't believe this."  
Liv huffed,  
"Aaron it's not a big deal."  
He looked at her,  
"Not a big deal?"  
He leant forward, not wanting everyone to hear him,  
"I've been going out of my mind because I haven't heard from him and you're sat here telling me you've been chatting with him? Cheers. Great sister you are."  
He pushed himself up from the chair, anger running through his veins,  
"Aaron!"  
He waved her off,  
"Forget it."  
He stalked from the cafe; shoving his hands in his pockets and clenching his fists as he headed down the road, not knowing where he was going, just knowing he had to walk.

"Hi, you've reached Robert Sugden. Leave a message and I'll call you back. Thanks."  
Aaron took a swig of the whiskey as he waited for the beep; wiping his mouth against the back of hand and sniffing before speaking,  
"Screw you Robert. Still not taking my calls eh? Won't talk to me but you'll talk to my sister? Fine. Whatever. You're clearly over this and I'm done fighting for something I'm not gonna get. So whatever. Fine. You're done? So am I. Have a nice life Robert. I'm out of it."  
He hung up the phone and threw it on his bed; he'd wound up back home, hours later and already on the verge of being drunk. Another half a bottle of whiskey and he was gone. And he was angry. He stumbled to his feet and took another gulp before heading out, his legs carrying him without his brain engaging. The world seemed fuzzy, like he wasn't fully awake, gliding toward the Mill without even thinking about it. He stumbled into the place, gripping the wall to keep upright before taking another drink. He placed the bottle on the table and fought to get his jacket off, stumbling back again and letting out a laugh,  
"Fuck you."  
He threw the jacket on the ground, grabbing the bottle and heading to the bedroom; stumbling again as he tried to take his shoes off,  
"I'm better on my own anyway."  
He took another drink, wiping his mouth and letting out a belch,  
"Don't need you."  
He sniffed and put the bottle down, grabbing the hem of his shirt, he pulled it up over his head, suddenly wanting to sleep. He struggled with the shirt; stumbling aside and stopping at the voice appearing behind him,  
"What are you doing?"  
He pulled the shirt off,  
"I'm getting ready for bed."  
The hands that appeared on his waist seemed almost real, the warmth of his skin against Aaron's as he helped him onto the bed was almost burning. Aaron looked up at him through bleary eyes,  
"Why didn't you come home?"  
He didn't answer him; Aaron fell back against the pillows, his world growing dark,  
"Why didn't you love me?"  
The last thing he saw before passing out was Robert's face.

When he woke up he was confused, a different ceiling above him and a different bed beneath. He sat up slowly, his head pounding as the hangover took hold. He groaned; rubbing his head and looking around. His mind replayed the dreams he'd had, certain he had awoken in the early hours to find Robert sitting on the chair opposite the bed and watching him. He lay back down on the bed; closing his eyes with the intent of sleeping off as much of the hangover as he could. He pulled the duvet over his head then froze as something registered in his mind; he threw the duvet back and sat up again, the sight of Robert asleep on the chair making his heart hammer in his chest. He rubbed his face, trying to keep from panicking,  
"Robert?"  
The man didn't stir, Aaron found himself getting irritated, his heart still aching only now mingled with the pain from the hangover. He climbed from the bed and walked toward him; reaching out slowly to touch him, as if afraid that he was a dream, a hallucination of what he'd lost.  
"Robert?"  
The gently placed hand on his shoulder made him start, he jerked away and looked up at Aaron.  
"You're awake."  
Aaron stared down at him, a battle raging inside him between being mad and the sheer relief of seeing the man in front of him. Robert clambered to his feet and straightened his shirt,  
"Alright?"  
Aaron pulled back,  
"Alright? No word from you for two weeks and then just 'alright'?"  
He stepped back and grabbed his shirt,  
"Unbelievable."  
Robert reached for him only to be pushed back,  
"Don't you dare! I have been going out of my mind worrying about you. And then I find out that you've been calling Liv?"  
Robert raised his eyebrows,  
"Yeah? And? She's fifteen Aaron, if she wants to talk to me I'm not going to ignore her."  
Aaron let out a laugh,  
"Oh so that's okay? To talk to her but to ignore me? The man you love? Or I thought you loved. But maybe you didn't even mean that."  
Robert rubbed his face,  
"Look, I'm sorry okay? I'm sorry if I didn't handle this all as well as you'd like-"  
"Yeah cos what I feel really matters to you doesn't it?"  
Roberts eyebrows went up in disbelief,  
"Wow...wow you really wanna do this? You really wanna start another fight?"  
Aaron shrugged,  
"Not like we have anything good to say is it?"  
Robert groaned in annoyance,  
"Why are you being such a child about this?"  
Aaron felt the anger inside him rise, any joy at seeing the man now gone,  
"I'm being a child? We have one fight and you run off to another country!"  
Aaron moved closer to him, pushing him back as he shouted,  
"You're the ran off. You're the one who didn't let things go. You're the one who gave up! You're the one who left!"  
Robert shoved him back,  
"Yeah because I thought I was helping you, not because I didn't love you! Not because I didn't wanna be with you!"  
They looked at each other for a moment before Aaron spoke,  
"You left me...how...the hell did you think you were helping me?!"  
Robert sighed,  
"Because-because I thought you would get over me. Just...move on. I thought I would feel better...letting you go. But I didn't. I hated it. I hated every second of being away from you. And then-and then I got your email. And I nearly came home, I was so close, I had the ticket and I was there-I was there and ready to go."  
Aaron swallowed,  
"So why didn't you?"  
Robert looked at him, his chin wobbling before he cleared his throat, looking away as he shrugged,  
"Because...I'm still gonna hurt you. Whatever you want, however you phrase it...I'm still going to...fuck this up. So letting you move on...letting you hate me is easier than having you want me."  
Aaron looked at him,  
"Hate you? How could I ever hate you?  
Robert scoffed,  
"Because I'm a mess. Aaron, I'm a mess. I'm mean and I'm cruel and I lie, and I-I cheat and I-"  
"Am the man I want to marry. And be with. Always."  
He looked at Aaron,  
"I can't keep hurting you."  
Aaron eyes burned,  
"And leaving me isn't hurting me?"  
Robert winced,  
"I didn't wanna do that, I wanted to...set you free."  
Aaron clenched his jaw tightly, wiping the stray tear from his cheek before wrapping his arms around himself,  
"I don't wanna be free. I want you. Just you."  
He looked at him,  
"I want messed up. Remember?"  
Robert cleared his throat then sniffed as pushed past him,  
"Where are you going? Robert?"  
He spun around,  
"I'm making you a coffee. You're hungover."  
Aaron stopped in confusion,  
"A coffee?"  
He followed Robert into the kitchen where he stood in the doorway and watched the man for a moment. Robert glanced at him then turned his back before speaking,  
"I missed you...every single second, I missed you. I'd lay awake at night and just go over and over everything. Everything we said and we didn't say...everything I could've done better. I should've done better. I should've been the person you deserved."  
He looked over his shoulder at Aaron,  
"I'm sorry for that. It's my biggest regret."  
Aaron felt his anger ebb away, watching the man before him as he got down the mug and reached for the coffee.   
"When did you get back?"  
Robert shrugged,  
"About an hour before you showed up."  
Aaron nodded,  
"Hence the kitchen stuff?"  
Robert sniffed,  
"Yeah well...reckoned it needed some."  
Aaron chewed his lip,  
"I'm sorry Robert."  
Robert stilled for a moment before continuing what he was doing,  
"I know."  
He stopped and turned around, leaning against the counter,  
"I'm not...angry at you. I never was. You know that don't you?"  
Aaron nodded slowly,  
"I'm still sorry."  
Robert cleared his throat,  
"Yeah...well..."  
He rubbed his nose and turned back to the coffee,  
"I want us again."  
He stopped again at Aaron's words,  
"I didn't bring any sugar. I'll nip to the shop."  
He moved to walk past Aaron only to be stopped by a hand on his wrist,  
"Aaron..."  
Aaron pulled him around to look at him,  
"Robert...just stay. Yeah? Just stay with me."  
Robert looked down at him, his body aching to reach over and touch him.  
"Don't you get how hard this is? To constantly be living up to something I'll never be able to be?"  
Aaron reached up, cupping his face gently,  
"I don't want you to be anything except who you are. I just...I just want you. All of you."  
Robert closed his eyes; leaning in to the touch,  
"I've missed you so much."  
He reached and gripped Aaron's shirt,  
"Come home."  
Robert opened his eyes and looked at him,  
"I can't promise that I won't screw up. I won't let you down...won't be a dis-"  
Aaron put his hand against Robert's mouth,  
"Just...don't say that word again. It doesn't...it's not true. Okay?"  
Robert swallowed and nodded. Aaron dropped his hand and Robert wet his lips,  
"You terrify me Aaron."  
Aaron frowned,  
"What?"  
Robert gripped him tightly,  
"How I feel about you? How much I want you...need you? It terrifies me. And I screw up because I don't deserve someone like you. And I'm so scared of..."  
Aaron cocked his head slightly,  
"Of what?"  
Robert chewed his lip then looked away, toward the kitchen they had been working on so hard before the fight,  
"Robert?"  
Robert looked at him,  
"Of you giving up on me. Fully."  
Aaron frowned again,  
"Robert-"  
"I heard you. Your voicemail. I got it."  
Aaron was confused until the memory came back to him.  
"Robert I didn't mean that. Not a word of it. I was...drunk. I was angry."  
He looked at Robert, not knowing how to convince him. He moved before Robert had a chance to register, cupping his face in his hands and pulling him down for a kiss. He pulled him close, kissing him more deeply, feeling Robert relax into it; pressing Aaron against the wall as he moved his own hands to hold Aaron's face, pulling away slowly and resting their foreheads together. Aaron swallowed; desperate for the man, his skin almost burning as he whispered to him,  
"You could never let me down. Never."  
Robert shook his head slightly,  
"You don't know that."  
Aaron trailed his hands along Robert's arms as Robert traced circles on his jawline with his thumbs,  
"I do. I do."  
Robert pulled enough back to look him in the eye,  
"I'm so sorry."  
Aaron opened his mouth again to speak, but he didn't get the chance as Robert kissed him again. He wrapped an arm around his neck, his fingers tangled tightly in the man's hair, the other hand immediately reaching under the hem of his shirt for his belt,  
"Come home. Come home to me?"  
Robert let out a moan, breaking the kiss and looking at Aaron,  
"Go back to how we were?"  
Aaron shook his head,  
"No...better."  
Robert closed the gap again, kissing him hard once more.

"I stayed in a hotel with one once."  
Aaron rolled his eyes,  
"Why am I not surprised?"  
"Man of great sophistication, me."  
Aaron laughed; tilting his head to meet Robert's lips in a kiss, reaching his hand up and entwining their fingers,  
"Feels good to be home."  
Aaron looked into his eyes,  
"Can't really call it home yet...not even sure we have heating yet."  
Robert brushed his nose against Aaron's head and pressed a kiss to his temple,  
"Not what I mean."  
Aaron smiled, moving his head again to look at the ceiling and shifting slightly in the bed,  
"Where was it?"  
Robert sighed happily,  
"Dublin."  
Aaron frowned,  
"You had a hotel with a mirror on the ceiling...in Dublin?"  
Robert smirked,  
"What can I say? I pick the classiest places."  
Aaron laughed, gripping Robert's other hand and kissing his palm,  
"I love you, Aaron."  
Aaron smiled, tilting his head again to look at Robert,  
"I love you too."  
He kissed him again, taking his time before smiling against his lips and pulling away,  
"No more fights yeah?"  
Aaron looked up at him,  
"And no more doubts?"  
Robert nodded slowly,  
"No more."  
Aaron swallowed leaning up to meet his lips in a final kiss before settling back down, gripping his fingers tightly and closing his eyes to the sound of Robert's heartbeat against his ear.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you all for the support on this fic! I hope it's worth the wait ❤❤
> 
> Also apologies for any mistakes, it's all done on my phone.


End file.
